How Therapists Teach Assertiveness: 5 Techniques

Assertiveness is a skill anyone can learn.

Improving it helps us communicate more clearly, relate to others more effectively, and ensure our needs are respected.

Increasing assertiveness can be life-changing for people who tend to be shy, passive, or overly accommodating (Hill, 2020).

Training reduces the fear around speaking up and supports standing up for yourself calmly and respectfully, without aggression.

The tools and techniques below will help you—or your client—develop assertiveness while expressing thoughts and feelings considerately.

Before you continue, you may be interested in downloading five positive psychology tools that support social skills and connection (free resource available from the original publisher).

Teaching Assertiveness Skills in Therapy

Assertiveness training can deliver powerful, lasting benefits. Research shows that teaching assertive skills to children can reduce the likelihood of being bullied (Avşar & Alkaya, 2017).

In workplaces, assertiveness training correlates with lower burnout and greater commitment to work (Nakamura et al., 2017). When combined with self-respect and regard for others, assertiveness is a hallmark of effective leadership (Gallo, 2012).

Assertiveness training supports relationships and psychological well-being, and has been associated with improvements in:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Self-esteem
• Relationship satisfaction
• Outcomes for serious mental illness (e.g., schizophrenia)

Although programs vary, most assertiveness training includes several common components (Gallo, 2012):

• Understanding context: Assertiveness looks different across cultures and settings (workplace vs. home). Training emphasizes adapting the level of assertiveness to the situation.
• Evaluating your assertiveness: Awareness of whether your behavior was passive, assertive, or aggressive helps you learn from outcomes—did you get what you needed? Did anyone get hurt?
• Setting realistic goals: Preparing and practicing what to say, and breaking goals into manageable steps, increases confidence in difficult encounters.
• Building relationships: Assertiveness should strengthen, not damage, connections. Training teaches how to be heard while preserving trust.
• Being authentic: Acting in line with your values and strengths makes assertive behavior more natural and sustainable.
• Avoiding bullying or aggression: Good assertiveness is clear and fair; it does not rely on intimidation or dominance.

Balance is essential. Too much force or too little can harm relationships. The point is to meet your needs without destroying the bonds that matter (Gallo, 2012).

5 Techniques for Therapists & Clients

Psychologist Emma Gray (2015) describes assertiveness as getting your needs met without preventing others from doing the same.

In the ideal outcome both parties feel their needs were considered—like a fair transaction where neither side leaves disgruntled.

Therapists can help clients recognize that their needs matter as much as others’. Therapy discourages passivity, passive-aggression, and outright aggression in favor of clear, calm communication (Gray, 2015).

Key attitudes and practical techniques to develop in therapy include:

• Build confidence and self-esteem: Believing you deserve to have needs met is fundamental. Strategies include keeping a daily record of achievements, writing a list of reasons friends value your company, and challenging the critical inner voice.
• Manage criticism: Evaluate criticism objectively—if it’s constructive, use it to learn and grow; if it’s unfair, reject it without internalizing it.
• Know what you want: Clarify your values, needs, and goals before attempting to communicate them—this makes your requests more direct and effective.

When assertiveness is integrated into therapy, it often protects against anxiety and depression and improves core relationships (Gray, 2015).

Communication Exercises (PDF)

Downloadable, evidence-informed exercises can help clients practice communication skills and foster more positive social interactions.

Download PDF (available from the original provider)

Coaching in Assertiveness: 3 Ideas for Your Workshop

Assertiveness coaching should be adapted to the delivery format (group or individual, in-person or online) and the client’s needs.

Do’s and don’ts of assertiveness

Instead of a single definition, a practical list of do’s and don’ts helps participants apply assertiveness appropriately (modified from Shaw, 2020).

Do’s

• Express needs clearly and directly without guilt.
• Stand up for your beliefs even when others disagree.
• Communicate efficiently and effectively.
• Maintain a positive, growth-oriented mindset.
• Share opinions and feelings with confidence.
• Persevere until your needs are reasonably addressed.
• Prepare and analyze the situation before acting.
• Take pride in your achievements and identity.
• Be courageous—use your skills to pursue meaningful goals.

Each point requires judgment: consider who you are dealing with, the timing, and how far you can push without harming important relationships.

Don’ts

• Avoid sounding unclear or unsure.
• Don’t feel guilty for expressing legitimate needs or feelings.
• Don’t agree just to keep the peace if it compromises you.
• Refuse to beg for what is rightfully yours.
• Don’t give up when faced with challenges or pressure.
• Don’t let others easily manipulate your decisions.
• Don’t be afraid to imagine and aim for better possibilities.

Three-legged stool

Gerard Shaw (2020) offers a simple metaphor: assertiveness is like a three-legged stool—if one leg is missing, the stool won’t stand. Use this in workshops to explore three essential aspects:

• Know what you want. Be clear with yourself about your needs and priorities.
• Say what you want. Communicate your needs plainly so others can respond.
• Get what you want. Use clear communication, persistence, and negotiation to reach outcomes.

Discuss with participants what fails when one leg is absent and how having all three supports better outcomes.

Top 7 Activities, Worksheets, & Exercises

Many practical activities help clients understand and practice assertiveness. Below are several useful tools and exercises you can adapt to therapy or coaching.

Assertive Formula

A three-part formula helps people craft clear, direct statements for everyday interactions. Use a short worksheet to outline the situation, the desired outcome, and a concise assertive statement.

Challenging Assertiveness Interactions

When calm reflection is possible, clients can analyze past interactions to identify alternative responses. Capture an event, describe how you reacted, and plan a different assertive response for next time.

Assertiveness Review

Regular reflection helps break unhelpful habits. A structured review asks when you want to be more assertive, what stops you, and what small steps you can take to act differently.

Typical Assertiveness Responses

People often default to routine responses that feel safe. A worksheet asking clients to identify three people who may be surprised by assertive behavior helps plan tailored, gradual practice.

Assertiveness Background

Our upbringing and relationships shape assertive tendencies. A background worksheet prompts clients to consider how past experiences influence present behavior and whether those influences should continue to guide action.

Assertiveness Beliefs

Beliefs can enable or block assertiveness. Use exercises that identify restrictive thoughts and replace them with balanced alternatives, such as “I deserve to say how I feel and ask for what I want.”

Role-play exercise

Turn worksheet scenarios into role-play in groups or individual sessions. Let clients practice both the speaker and the listener roles, and vary listener responses so clients build flexibility and resilience.

Positive Psychology Practitioner Tools

Comprehensive toolkits and collections of exercises provide practitioners with evidence-informed activities to develop communication and assertiveness skills.

Get Instant Access (details available from the original provider)

Group Therapy: 2 Activities for Your Group Sessions

Group therapy offers an ideal environment for practicing assertiveness through role-play and peer feedback.

Group discussion of beliefs affecting assertiveness

Discussing beliefs that promote passivity, aggression, or healthy assertiveness helps participants see how thought patterns shape behavior. Examples to explore:

• Beliefs supporting passivity: Assertiveness means always getting your way; disagreeing is impolite; my value is tied to serving others.
• Beliefs supporting aggression: If I’m not aggressive, I’ll be walked over; being aggressive is necessary to get things done.
• Beliefs supporting assertiveness: I have a right to express my needs; I fear failing at assertiveness but can learn to improve.

Ask participants which beliefs they hold and which healthier beliefs they could adopt instead.

Assertiveness response checklist

Use a checklist of positive, empowering statements to encourage assertive thinking, such as:

• I am my own judge.
• I am not responsible for other people’s problems.
• I decide what I will and will not do.
• I don’t have to justify myself to others.
• I have the right to ask for assistance or support when needed.

Discuss which statements participants will repeat or use as reminders in future situations.

Fostering Assertiveness in Kids: 3 Fun Games

Games help young children practice courage, self-expression, and social confidence in a low-pressure way.

Mystery bag

Place objects in a bag and have children reach in and guess items by touch. Use the activity to discuss bravery, curiosity, and trying new things despite uncertainty.

Role-play meeting people

Children practice introducing themselves to a puppet or favorite toy, then try the skill in a safe, friendly environment like a playground to build confidence.

Practice sharing who you are

Ask children to draw a self-portrait and add labels describing what they like and what makes them feel good. Use the exercise to celebrate differences and build self-awareness.

Exercises to Develop Positive Communication

Collections of communication exercises provide structured practice to strengthen interpersonal skills and deepen relationships.

Download Collection (available from the original provider)

Resources and Worksheets

For practitioners and clients wanting structured tools, consider worksheets that cover:

• Rights of Assertiveness: A reminder list of nine rights people have in communication and relationships.
• Assertive Communication: A worksheet comparing passive, aggressive, and assertive responses and prompting reflection on consequences.
• Assertiveness Obstacles: A tool to identify common barriers to assertiveness and practical solutions.

Collections of validated communication tools can be used to help clients improve conversational skills and foster stronger, healthier relationships.

A Take-Home Message

It’s encouraging to know that assertiveness is a skill that can be developed. Alongside self-esteem and confidence, assertiveness supports life success and mental well-being and can help protect against certain mental health difficulties (Gray, 2015; Gallo, 2012).

Remember you control your behavior while others control theirs. Reacting angrily risks harming relationships; passivity risks leaving your needs unmet. Assertiveness helps you be heard while preserving respect for others.

Try the techniques, worksheets, and practice exercises from this article with clients or on your own. Use them to become aware of habitual responses and to experiment with new, healthier ways of interacting.

We hope you found this summary useful. If you’d like ready-to-use resources, downloadable toolkits and worksheets are available from the original publisher.

References

• Avşar, F., & Alkaya, S. A. (2017). The effectiveness of assertiveness training for school-aged children on bullying and assertiveness level. Journal of Pediatric Nursing, 36, 186–190.
• Gallo, A. (2012). How to be assertive (without losing yourself). Harvard Business Review.
• Gray, E. (2015). How to be more assertive. The British CBT & Counselling Service.
• Hill, C. (2020). Assertiveness training: How to stand up for yourself, boost your confidence, and improve assertive communication skills. Author.
• Molinsky, A. (2017). A simple way to be more assertive (without being pushy). Harvard Business Review.
• Nakamura, Y., et al. (2017). Development and evaluation of a modified brief assertiveness training for nurses in the workplace. BMC Nursing, 16(1).
• Paterson, R. J. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: how to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work and in relationships. New Harbinger.
• Shaw, G. (2020). Alpha assertiveness guide for men and women: The workbook for training assertive behavior and communication skills. Communication Excellence.
• Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence‐based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1).