Summary: New research finds that couples who view sexual satisfaction as something that requires effort and maintenance enjoy more stable and satisfying sex lives in long-term relationships than those who see sexual compatibility as an automatic sign of being soulmates.
Source: University of Toronto.
Believing that a healthy sex life requires effort — rather than assuming sexual satisfaction will simply happen if you are each other’s “soulmate” — predicts better sexual and relationship well-being in long-term partnerships, according to research led by a University of Toronto social psychology team.
The study identifies two central “sexpectations”: sexual growth beliefs (the idea that satisfying sex is cultivated through effort and learning) and sexual destiny beliefs (the idea that sexual satisfaction is a natural outcome of finding the right partner). These implicit beliefs strongly shape how couples respond to changes and disagreements in their sexual lives, says Jessica Maxwell, a PhD candidate in the Department of Psychology at U of T.
“People who endorse sexual destiny tend to treat the state of their sex life as a barometer for the whole relationship — if the bedroom isn’t perfect, they may conclude the relationship itself is in trouble,” Maxwell explains. “By contrast, those who believe in sexual growth see sexual challenges as problems that can be worked on, and they are less likely to let those challenges erode their overall relationship satisfaction.”
The conclusions come from a series of six studies involving about 1,900 participants from both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. The results, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, show that sexual-growth beliefs are associated with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction for both partners, while the benefits of sexual-destiny beliefs depend heavily on whether partners actually experience compatibility and few sexual disagreements.
Maxwell notes that both belief systems often coexist to some degree within the same person, and neither is entirely black-and-white. During the initial “honeymoon” phase — typically the first two to three years of a relationship — people who hold either belief report similarly high sexual satisfaction. Differences emerge afterward, when sexual desire naturally fluctuates and disagreements become more likely.
“Sexual life is like a garden: it needs attention, communication and maintenance,” says Maxwell. “Over time, couples who expect sex to be effortless can be caught off guard by normal ebbs and flows, whereas couples who expect to work on their sexual connection are more resilient.”
The research team also examined how cultural messages might shape these beliefs. Although this study did not directly measure media effects, Maxwell points out that popular culture often frames other relationship domains — for example, household chores — as areas that require effort and negotiation. By contrast, entertainment media frequently portray romantic and sexual chemistry as instantaneous and inevitable, a portrayal that may encourage sexual-destiny thinking and leave couples less prepared for inevitable sexual challenges.
In an experimental component of the research, participants were exposed to fabricated magazine-style articles that either emphasized sexual destiny or promoted the idea that sex takes work. Those brief exposures were enough to shift people’s reported beliefs, offering evidence that cultural messages can prime sexual expectations and could potentially be targeted in interventions.
The study also found gender differences: women were somewhat more likely than men to endorse sexual-growth beliefs. Maxwell suggests this may reflect broader patterns indicating that sexual satisfaction often requires more active effort on the part of women in long-term relationships.
Importantly, sexual-growth beliefs can buffer the negative effects of ordinary sexual problems on relationship quality, but they do not eliminate the harm caused by very severe or chronic sexual difficulties. Likewise, some sexual-destiny believers may be willing to make changes for a partner, but often only if they remain convinced that their partner is the “right” match.
These findings carry practical implications for therapists and clinicians. Maxwell emphasizes that professionals helping couples with sexual dissatisfaction should normalize the idea that sexual ups and downs are common and teach couples skills for effortful sexual growth. Challenging unhelpful destiny-based assumptions can help partners avoid drawing catastrophic conclusions about the relationship based on temporary sexual setbacks.
Funding: Supported by Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC) Canada Graduate Scholarship, SSHRC Banting Postdoctoral Fellowship, SSHRC Insight Grants, SSHRC doctoral scholarship, and an IWK Health Centre Category A grant.
Source: Jessica Maxwell, University of Toronto.
Original Research: Maxwell, Jessica A.; Muise, Amy; MacDonald, Geoff; Day, Lisa C.; Rosen, Natalie O.; and Impett, Emily A. “How Implicit Theories of Sexuality Shape Sexual and Relationship Well-Being.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Published online November 3, 2016. doi:10.1037/pspi0000078
– Two distinct implicit beliefs about sexuality — sexual growth and sexual destiny — predict different patterns of sexual and relationship outcomes in long-term couples.
– Sexual-growth beliefs, which emphasize effort and learning, relate to higher and more stable sexual and relationship satisfaction over time.
– Sexual-destiny beliefs can support satisfaction only when partners experience clear sexual compatibility; when disagreements grow, destiny beliefs are linked to poorer relationship quality.
– Short media exposures can shift people’s sexual beliefs, suggesting cultural messages play a role in shaping expectations.
– Clinicians should help couples reframe sexual issues as common and solvable rather than as evidence that the relationship is failing.
Abstract
How Implicit Theories of Sexuality Shape Sexual and Relationship Well-Being
This research developed and validated a scale measuring two lay beliefs about maintaining sexual satisfaction over time: sexual growth (satisfaction results from effort and work) and sexual destiny (satisfaction results from finding a compatible partner). Across six studies (including cross-sectional surveys, a 21-day daily diary, dyadic samples, and an experimental manipulation; total N ≈ 1,896), higher sexual-growth beliefs predicted greater sexual and relationship satisfaction for individuals and partners. In contrast, sexual-destiny beliefs were beneficial only when partners experienced clear sexual compatibility; destiny beliefs amplified negative effects when sexual disagreements occurred. These associations remained after accounting for general relationship beliefs, indicating the unique role of sexuality-specific implicit theories in shaping sexual and relationship well-being.