Assertiveness Assessment: 30+ Questions and Scales

When people ask us to do things that conflict with our needs, we have to ask: why aren’t we standing up for ourselves?

Are we saying yes because we truly agree, or because we’re trying to prove our worth and don’t know how to be assertive (Shaw, 2020)?

Sometimes we don’t voice our concerns or request what we need, and as a result our needs go unmet. This article offers practical questions, scales, and quizzes you can use to assess assertiveness—for yourself or your clients—and highlights tools for improving assertive communication.

28 Questions to Ask Your Clients

Assertiveness, self-confidence, and healthy self-esteem are central to wellbeing and protect against many mental health problems (Gray, 2015; Gallo, 2012). Before teaching assertiveness techniques, it’s important to understand a person’s current skills, tendencies, and obstacles. Effective preparation includes:

• Recognizing the social or work environment
• Identifying common communication styles—passive, aggressive, or assertive
• Setting clear, realistic goals for change
• Building authentic relationships based on mutual trust and respect

Assertiveness training has proven effective in education, workplaces, personal relationships, and clinical settings (Avşar & Alkaya, 2017; Speed, Goldstein, & Goldfried, 2018). The aim is balanced communication: protecting relationships while ensuring needs are met.

Are you assertive?

The first set of questions encourages self-awareness about posture, voice, boundaries, and confidence (adapted from Murphy, 2011). Ask your client to reflect and be honest:

• Do you make eye contact when speaking?
• Do you speak clearly and address situations directly?
• Does your speech convey confidence, or do you tend to mumble?
• Do you stand or sit upright rather than slouch?
• Can you ask for clarification when needed?
• Are you comfortable in groups or social settings?
• Can you say no when you genuinely don’t want to do something?
• Do you express feelings appropriately?
• Do you offer your opinion respectfully when you disagree?
• Can you defend yourself if wrongly blamed?

If several answers are negative, assertiveness training may help your client gain confidence and communicate more effectively.

Are you a people pleaser?

People who prioritize others’ needs can be invaluable team members—maintaining peace, being approachable, and stepping up in urgent situations. But chronic people-pleasing can erode self-worth, undermine assertiveness, and lead to burnout (Williams, 2020).

Use these reflective prompts to gauge whether someone pleases others to their own detriment:

• Do you often compromise your own needs or wants?
• Do you sacrifice your priorities for others’ demands?
• Do others assume you will always say yes?
• Do you feel entitled to help you give, or resent it when others don’t reciprocate?
• Do you equate your self-worth with how much you do for others?
• Do you fear rejection and therefore try to be liked at all costs?
• Is it difficult for you to say no, even when you want to?
• Do you apologize or accept blame when you aren’t at fault?
• Do you rush to defuse others’ anger to avoid conflict?
• Do you avoid setting boundaries to spare others’ feelings?
• Do you feel persistent frustration and resentment you don’t express?
• Do you work much harder than peers and lose sight of yourself?

Moderate, reciprocal compromise is healthy; persistent self-sacrifice is a signal to develop assertiveness skills.

Assertiveness, aggression, and passiveness

Being overly passive often prevents needs from being met and can lead to resentment and low self-esteem. Aggression, conversely, may achieve short-term goals but damages relationships and future cooperation (Williams, 2020). There is also passive-aggressive behavior, which expresses hostility indirectly.

Ask clients to consider how they typically respond in challenging interactions:

• Passive: Do you feel helpless, resentful, or anxious because you don’t say no or ask for what you need?
• Aggressive: Do you use intimidation, shouting, or harsh words that leave others feeling hurt or fearful?
• Passive–aggressive: Do you sulk, give the silent treatment, or undermine others indirectly?

The goal of assertiveness training is to help people state needs and set boundaries calmly and respectfully, maximizing both effectiveness and politeness.

A Helpful Assertiveness Scale & Questionnaire

Several validated scales assess assertive behavior, practical effectiveness, and the balance between directness and politeness.

Functional Assertiveness Scale

Functional assertiveness emphasizes “objective effectiveness and pragmatic politeness,” evaluating how well someone achieves interpersonal goals while maintaining respect and sensitivity to context (Mitamura, 2017). The Functional Assertiveness Scale uses 12 items scored on a five-point scale, asking how satisfied you would be with outcomes in typical situations. Sample statements include:

1. I can get a teammate to change disruptive behavior.
2. I can make someone understand my ideas even when we disagree.
3. I can encourage someone to improve their manners without offending them.
4. I can address another person’s unfair criticism calmly and effectively.
5. I can ask friends to stop annoying or troublesome actions without damaging the relationship.
6. I avoid needlessly embarrassing others when I request a change.

The final items assess how politely a person can be assertive, balancing clarity with social sensitivity.

Assertiveness Formative Questionnaire

The Assertiveness Formative Questionnaire (part of the Assertiveness Assessment Suite) helps students and clients practice expressing needs directly and respectfully. It contains 20 items scored from “Not very much like me” to “Very like me.” Representative items include:

• I stand up to friends if they pressure me into something I don’t want to do.
• I speak up when someone disrespects my boundaries (e.g., cheating off homework).
• I often have trouble saying no.
• I express my opinions even when others disagree.
• I try to avoid hurting others’ feelings, even when I’ve been wronged.
• I listen to others’ opinions, even when I disagree.

An Evidence-Based Quiz

Short scenario-based quizzes can reveal typical responses and help people learn how assertive they tend to be. Here are examples based on evidence-based tools:

How assertive am I?

Respond to everyday scenarios by choosing the option that best matches how you would act:

1. You ordered a burger with mayonnaise but received one with salsa. Would you:
   1. Accept it because you somewhat like salsa.
   2. Complain angrily and demand to see the manager.
   3. Call the server politely and explain the mistake.
2. Someone cuts in line ahead of you. Would you:
   1. Let them go ahead to avoid a scene.
   2. Confront them aggressively and make them go to the back.
   3. Point out politely that you were in line and where it begins.
3. You discover you were short-changed at a store. Would you:
   1. Let it go because the staff seemed busy.
   2. Demand a manager and insist on getting the correct change.
   3. Return to the clerk and inform them of the error calmly.

Practical Worksheets and Resources

There are many practical worksheets and activities designed to build assertive communication. Useful worksheets include:

• Knowing When to Speak Up: A checklist to decide whether a situation warrants a difficult or important conversation.
• Replace Unhelpful Thoughts for Assertiveness: Exercises to identify and reframe thoughts that push people toward automatic “yes.”
• Finding Your Assertiveness Balance: Scenarios and response options that help people practice assertive replies instead of passive or aggressive ones.
• Assertiveness Formula: A three-part structure to communicate a problem clearly and respectfully when someone’s behavior affects you.
• Reading and practice: Curated books and workbooks provide guided exercises for building assertiveness skills over time.

A Take-Home Message

Excessive people-pleasing often reflects low assertiveness. While maintaining harmony is important, your views and needs also deserve expression and respect. Consistently avoiding assertiveness can lead others to expect you will never refuse unreasonable requests.

Assertive communication lets you share opinions and ask for what you need without aggression or passive resentment. It promotes balanced outcomes based on openness, respect, and compromise.

Use the questions, questionnaires, and quizzes here to raise awareness of communication style, then apply targeted techniques and practice to develop a more effective, balanced, and assertive approach to relationships.